Marauder Mayhem, Mishaps and Mischief
by Luthien's-Dream
Summary: A collection of one shots involving the Marauders, clingfilm, postitnotes, a dictionary and a whole host of other miscellaneous objects. Contains utter randomness, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
1. Cling film and public toilets

Marauder Mayhem, Mishaps and Mischief

Cling film and Public toilets

A/N: For all you Americans cling film is the same as cellophane, I think. And don't try this at home. Although it is really quite amusing…NO. Just don't do it kiddies, okay, promise?

"What's _this_ for Moony?" Sirius exclaimed, picking an object off the shelf and brandished it in the air.

"That, Padfoot, is for cleaning lavatories." Remus sighed. This was the 64th object he'd had to explain the use for in the last hour.

"You mean _toilets_. Eww." Sirius dropped the brush onto the floor. "How?"

"Well, you sort of stick it in and brush it around the sides of the toilet." Remus struggled to come out with an explanation. "Sirius do not waggle your eyebrows like that at me. And do not pout either." Sirius stuck his tongue out immaturely.

"OOOOOO!" he squealed as an object caught his eye the other end of the aisle, he sprinted down there, skidding to a stop, crashing into an abandoned trolley in his attempt to grab the object. He ripped open the packaging.

"Padfoot what are you –" Remus cried.

"It's soooo shiny! Look at it Moony. Can't you see the shininess?" He pressed it up to Moony's face to let him have a good view of the kitchen foil. Moony shoved it away.

"Sirius, we'll have to pay for that now." He hissed, seriously regretting taking Sirius to a muggle supermarket. "Besides we've attracted attention." He looked around at the muggle customers that were starting to gather and give them stern looks.

There was a gasp from Sirius beside him. Remus turned to look at what he had found now. Sirius reached out his hand slowly and picked a long narrow box off of the shelves. "It's see- through Moony!" he said in awe.

"Yes Padfoot, now put it back." He muttered sternly, as you would to a young child.

But it was too late; Sirius had torn open the box and was starting to unravel the cling film.

There was a scream, "MOONY! It's attacking me! Argh, it's eating my arm! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" he shouted.

Remus looked at the piece of cling film which had stuck itself to Sirius' arm and almost laughed. He deftly pulled off the offending piece.

"Careful Moony it might attack you too!" Sirius warned.

"Padfoot, it's supposed to stick to you. That's why it's called _Cling _film. It sticks to all shiny surfaces, and you." Remus told him.

"Oh." Sirius looked in wonder at the miracle material. "We so have to get some of this stuff." He pulled an arm load into his arms and dumped them on Remus. He then picked up another lot for himself, clearing the shelf of all cling film.

"How on earth are we going to pay for all this? Do you have any money on you?" Remus protested.

"Of course I do. What do you take me for?" Sirius started down the aisle, "Come on Moony, we don't have all day." Moony shook his head and then decided that the best course of action was to follow him.

They arrived at the checkout and dumped the cling film on the conveyor belt. The checkout lady looked at them as if they were mad. But started putting the boxes through the scanner anyway.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee…

Exactly 43 beeps later the lady, 'Carol' as her name badge indicated, told them that the total price was £72.25.

"Pounds, Moony. Pounds? What are pounds?" Sirius whispered to Remus.

"Muggle money, you told me you had some." Remus replied.

"No. I said I had money. As in Wizarding money."

"How are we supposed to pay for all these then?"

"Erm." The two grinned sheepishly at Carol.

"Do you two have any money?" she said, a slight tone of annoyance in her voice.

"Well technically…" Remus began.

Then, from out of nowhere, a security guard appeared, he looked at the two school boys and then at the mound of cling film. He took a step towards them.

"RUN MOONY! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" Sirius screamed and vaulted over the check out and made for the exit. Remus was not so quick and was grabbed at the scruff of his neck by the security guard, 'Neil' and dragged off as Neil ran after Sirius. They dodged customers and trolleys and over turned a bucket of flowers. Sirius was almost at the exit now and made a rather spectacular dive roll out of the door. The security guard dived after him but missed and somehow let go of Remus.

Remus took the opportunity and bolted after Sirius who was still running as if his life depended on it. When they finally came to a stop in a side alley somewhere Sirius was laughing his head off. "That was HILARIOUS Moony! We have to do that again! I never knew Muggle supermarkets would be so much fun!"

Remus groaned inwardly, "Are you mad? Wait, don't answer that. We could have been arrested!" he shouted, "What are you grinning at?" he asked, Sirius's manic expression was starting to creep him out.

Sirius promptly reached inside his jumper and pulled out a rather crumpled, but still intact, box of cling film. "I stole it." He said proudly.

Remus' jaw hit the floor, "You are insane! Take it back. I don't want to be associated with a criminal!" he attempted to grab the box from Sirius' hands but failed as Sirius merely waved it high above his head.

"Not so fast my friend. I have a cunning plan." Sirius looked past Remus.

"Who are you, Baldrick? Remus retorted.

"They have public toilets." Remus stopped jumping for the box and turned to where Sirius was looking. Across the road there were indeed public toilets. A scheming look passed across Sirius' face.

Precisely twenty three minutes later Remus found himself locked in a toilet cubical with Sirius. They were both standing on the toilet seat lid, which was obviously not designed for this purpose as it was way too small.

"Are you sure this is entirely necessary?" Remus asked.

"Yes. Now shush, someone's coming." He put his finger to his lips as footsteps were heard entering the men's toilets. The man walked to the cubicle next to them and they heard the door lock. A few seconds later the toilet seat lid was lifted and they assumed the man sat down.

There was a large farting sound and a horrendous smell wafted over to the two boys. Remus gagged and threatened to be sick all over Sirius. Sirius remained still but pinched his nose tightly shut.

The man stood up and turned around to flush the toilet.

"Ergh, whatever sons of bs put Clingfilm over the toilet seat" he exploded, "That is disgusting…" much cursing followed.

Sirius sniggered and even Remus couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

Operation Clingfilm toilet seat: Success.


	2. Gullible is not in the dictionary

Marauderer Mayhem, Mishaps and Mischief

Gullible is not in the dictionary

"Padfoot. Get out of bed." Remus shook his friend. "NOW!" he shouted, but to no avail, Sirius lay dead to the world. "_Aguamanti_." He poured a jet of water over Sirius' head.

"Five more minutes mum." Sirius turned over to go back to sleep.

"You'll be late for breakfast if you don't get up now." Remus grinned evilly, "I heard the elves were making you a pile of waffles specially, with extra whipped cream." He added hopefully.

Sirius shot out of the bed like a dog whose tail just got set alight. "Really? Where?"

Remus laughed, "You're so gullible."

"Am not." Sirius protested.

"Are too."

"Am not"

"Are too.

"Am not."

"Are."

"Not."

"Are."

"Not."

"Do you even know what gullible means?"

"Erm…." Sirius had a blank look on his face, "I'll look it up in your dictionary!" He dived for Remus' bed and rolled over it landing with a thud on the other side. Remus dived after him, landing awkwardly on top of Sirius who still managed to grab his book box from under the bed.

"Don't you touch my books you..." Sirius pushed him off of him and opened the lid of the box, quickly finding the dictionary in there. He stroked the spine with a almost freaky impression of Remus. Remus charged head first at him but Sirius just put his hand out and held the werewolf at arms length.

"You won't find it there!" Remus shrieked.

Sirius looked at him, "Why not?"

"Because, er…" He though for a second, "Didn't you know they took the word gullible out of the dictionary?"

Sirius looked at him with a look of horror on his face, "Really?"


	3. I'll remember that in future

Marauder Mayhem, Mishaps and Mischief

I'll remember that in future…

"Happy Birthday James!" Remus exclaimed and pulled out a tiny round parcel from behind his back. James looked at it disappointedly.

"Is that it?" he said.

"What do you mean is that it? The best things come in small packages you know." Remus defended his gift.

James grinned slyly at him, "That's good for you then Moony isn't it?" Remus promptly chucked his pillow at him.

James threw the pillow back and pounced upon the present with a fierce look of glee upon his face.

He tore the paper off and looked at the Birthday Item. It was a tiny gold snitch. James looked at Moony questioningly.

"It's a practise snitch," he explained. "It only flies in an area of 50m squared so you can't loose it really. I thought it could be useful."

"That's amazing Moony!" James squealed and leapt at Remus forcing him off the edge of his bed and onto the floor. James scrambled up and carried the snitch over to his trunk where he put it away for safekeeping, but not without one last admiring look at the ingenious item.

Peter then approached him, woken by Remus' cry of 'Happy Birthday!' (Peter never woke early in the morning). He handed him a lumpy parcel tied with a piece of green string. James ripped this to shreds too. Inside was a Quidditch jumper and goggles.

"For when it gets cold." Peter explained.

"Thanks, Wormtail," James stated and attempted to shove the present in the space underneath his bed which was already taken up by several other pieces of junk.

Whilst he did this, Sirius moved to sit on the corner of Remus' bed.

"It's his birthday?" Sirius whispered into his ear.

"Yes, you twerp, had you not realised? That was why we all snuck off to Hogsmeade without him."

"Really? I thought it was to stock up on our supply chocolate."

Remus groaned, "Well what did you do with that?"

"With what?"

"The chocolate! You could give that to him!"

"Oh," Sirius grinned sheepishly. "I kind of ate it."

Remus groaned again. "Here." He reached in the draw of his bedside table. "I was saving this for an emergency." He drew out a large bar of Honeydukes Best Toffee and Marshmallow Chocolate.

"Thanks Moony, you're a life saver." He leapt up as James sat up again and let out an exclamation of "Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks Padfoot," James said, tearing open the packet of chocolate and he took a large bite. Moony winced slightly as he watched his beautiful chocolate being demolished.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

_The next day_

"You owe me one Sirius Black," Remus told him grumpily as the dark haired boy entered the common room.

"Yeah. Thanks though, you're a real mate." He was silent for a while. "It was an easy mistake to make though. I mean, a birthday only comes once a year, how was I supposed to know it was that day?"

Remus shook his head in despair.

Suddenly remembering something, he said, "Here, I thought these might help with your little memory problem." Remus shoved something small, yellow and square into his hand.

"Thanks. Err, what are they?"

"Post-it-notes."

"What-it-whats?"

"You write what you want to remember on them, then you stick them somewhere you'll see them and remember them."

"Like on the dormitory pin board?"

"Yeah, although that kind of got demolished, so you might just want to stick them on the wall."

"Right." Sirius stood up to leave.

"Where are you going now?"

"To the dormitory. I have a few things I need to write down to remember."

"Okay, see you later then."

…………………………………………………………………………………………

_Later that evening_

"Have you seen Sirius?" James asked Remus, as they made their way back to the Gryffindor tower after dinner. "It's so strange, he never misses dinner."

"Yeah," Remus agreed it was strange for Sirius, lover of all things edible, to skip a meal.

"You guys weren't planning me a surprise party were you?" James asked hopefully.

"Nope."

"Oh." James said disappointedly

They pushed through the portal and entered the common room. Sirius wasn't in there either.

"Maybe he's ill." James suggested.

"Nah, he would have told us. The attention seeker he is." Remus grinned.

They continued up the stair and towards their dormitory. James twisted the handle and the door screeched open. "Whoa," he said.

"What?" Remus questioned.

"Yellow much."

"Yellow much?"

"Yeah. The room is completely yellow."

"Let me see." Remus pushed past James. The room was completely yellow. The walls, floor, ceiling even the furniture! Remus examined a wall nearby. He picked of the sticky bit of paper that was on it. 'Borrowed Moony's TF homework must put it back by Wed,' he read.

"Hey Guys!" A yellow Sirius bounded up to them.

"Why on earth is the room covered in post-it-notes?" James exclaimed.

"Remus gave them to me. To help me remember stuff."

"Bad move Moony. Padfoot and post-it-notes are not a good combo."

"I'll remember that in future…"


	4. Ice Ice Chilli

**Marauder Mayhem, Mishaps and Mischief**

**Ice Ice Chilli**

"Remind me what we're doing here again?" James sighed.

"It's for extra credit for our muggle studies assignment on 'Muggle Cuisine across the continents'." Remus explained as they walked down the cobbled street.

"Yes but we're in London, I'm pretty sure that's not a continent!" Sirius complained, and my hands are going numb!" he added grumpily and aimed a kick at a passing snow drift. "AAARRRGHHHHH!"

"London is a multi-cultural capital; if you'd have bothered to pay attention in class you would know this." Remus looked around at the surrounding building "Just look at all these restaurants…"

"OW OW OW OW OWIEEEE!"

"There's Chinese, Lebanese, Tapas, Ghurkha, Italian, Indian… All serving cuisine's from different countries and continents."

"So this is about food!" Peter suddenly perked up.

"!"

"Will you shut up Padfoot!" James turned round to see Sirius lying on the snow covered ground, rolling around in agony, clutching at his right foot. "Serves you right for kicking a lump of ice!"

"But I'm in PAIN! And you're all ignoring me!" Sirius pouted and gave them his best puppy dog eyes.

"Padfoot after six years that look has got you absolutely nowhere, why do you still bother?" Remus shook his head in despair. "Come one, let's try the Indian first."

The four of them headed over to the restaurant whose glaring letters over the door proclaimed it to be 'The Bombay Palace', Padfoot was left trailing behind with a very theatrical limp. As the door opened they were greeted by the aromatic smell of spices.

"Wow, Moony, is that a new perfume?"

"Shut it Sirius."

"Ah, welcome to the Bombay Palace, if you gentleman would all like to take a seat and I'll come to take your order in just a few minutes." A waitress dressed in a beautiful purple and gold saris greeted them and showed them to a table. The boys unwound their many layers and took their seats.

Peter immediately grabbed a menu and started reading greedily. Sirius stared at the menu in front of him for a few seconds before suddenly collapsing on the table with a wail.

"I'm done for prongs!" he grabbed at James' arm, "This is it, old age has claimed me at last! My eye sight has perished and I can no longer read! Oh spare me the humiliation and misery, just kill me now!" James looked at his friend in horror, as were the other guests of the restaurant.

"Er, Padfoot, what on earth are you talking about?"

"The WORDS! They just don't make any SENSE!" he broke into a new round of sobbing.

"Erm, well yes is it written in indian? So unless you speak indian then it probably won't make a lot of sense. That's why there's an explanation of the dish under each name." Remus explained with the patience of a saint.

"Oh." Sirius straightened up and looked at the menu again. "Well it that case..." he leapt up from the table, clicking his fingers, "Waitress!"

James buried his head in his hands in shame. "You're meant to do that discreetly." He hissed.

The waitress came over with a slightly wary look, notebook at the ready to take their orders.

"I think I'll have some of the Phall, a Vindaloo, a Madras, and a Tindaloo" Sirius ordered and then sat there beaming, so pleased with himself for having spoken another language.

"Padfoot, we were planning to go elsewhere you know, to try other cuisines too." Remus whispered across the table. But it was too late, having the others already ordered the waitress had left.

"You went for a bit of spice there Padfoot didn't you?" James chuckled

"Spice?"

"Yeah, you picked the dishes with the biggest hotness rating, you know, the little chillis by the name of the dish."

"Hotness rating? I thought that was a star rating! I thought I'd chosen the best dishes in the restaurant!" Sirius sat there horrified.

"Don't worry Padfoot, I'm sure you can handle it." Peter patted his arm sympathetically.

A few minutes later their meals arrived. Padfoot's plates taking up most of the room on the table. With eager anticipation Sirius piled his fork high with curry and shoved it into his mouth.

The effect was instant, Sirius' eyes bulged out of his head, his cheeks rapidly turning red. With great force he spat out the chilli, hitting Peter square on the nose. Then he was reaching for the water jug, pouring it straight into his mouth.

"It burns! It burns!" he was pulling at his tongue now, trying to scrape the heat away.

With a cry he knocked over his chair in his race for the door. The three other boys turned around in time to see Sirius kneel on the ground and place his tongue on the previously kicked ice block.

"Oh no." Peter stated.

"He's gonna be stuck isn't he?" James winced as he watched Sirius in realisation struggle to pull his tongue away from the ice.

"This is the last time I take him anywhere." Remus' shoulders drooped in despair, Sirius had no become frantic and was flailing on his stomach having lost all grip on the ground with his feet. "I suppose we should probably go help him."

James signalled to the waitress, "Can we have the bill please."


	5. Yo Ho Ho

Marauder Mayhem, Mishaps and Mischief

Yo Ho Ho

"OH A HO HO YO AND A HA HA YE AND A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING LALA LAAARRRRR!"

"Er, Remus?"

"Yes James?"

"What is Sirius doing?"

"I think he's trying to sing."

"You call that singing? Sounds more like he's being castrated to me!" James winced, "What's with the screaming at the end?"

"Apparantly it's a pirate song, I think he's attempting to sound manly."

"HUM HUM HUM AND A BIT MORE RUUUUUUM!"

"Manly! Sirius couldn't sound manly if he grew a beard, started drinking raw eggs for breakfast and talking like a Scotsman!"

Remus threw him a puzzled look, "Since when was that the definition of manly?"

"….I couldn't think of anything to finish the description and I panicked."

"…Right." Remus raised his eyebrows at him. "Has he been drinking firewhiskey or something?"

"Not that I know of. I think it's more to do with the fact he drank about two gallons of pumkin juice over dinner."

"IT'S A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME! AND FOR YO YO YOUUUUU!"

"Someone should probably tell him to shut up. I don't think the rest of Gryffindor Tower particularly appreciates Pirate songs at 4 in the morning."

"The rest of Gryffindor tower? This part doesn't particularly appreciate it either!" Remus pulled his pillow over his head. "He's your friend, get him to shut up"

"YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOOOOOO!"

"OI PETE" James yelled across the room, "Get Sirius to quit it!"

"Wasssatyooo waann?" Pete mumbled, barely raising his head from his pillow.

"AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"SIRIUS. SILENT!" James shouted over Sirius', ahem, dulcet tones.

Pete reached under his pillow and pulled out his wand, "Silllenshhiooo" he waved it feebly towards the singing.

"Oh for goodness sake. You lot are useless. If you want something doing around here you have to do it yourself!" Remus staggered out of bed. Grabbing his wand from his bedside table he stormed over to Sirius' bed and threw back the curtains surrounding it. Pointing his wand directly at Sirius' screwed up face he said, "Eyepatchio!"

"ARRRRAAAGHHHHH ALAS ME HEARTIES I CANNOT SEE! OH CALL ME PEG LEG AND KILL MY PARROT WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME?"

"Good one Moony." James sighed as he pulled the duvet firmly over his head, "You just turned up the volume."

"SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"

Remus took one look at Sirius, who was writhing about on his bed trying to remove the two eye-patches that had glued themselves to his face, and deftly cast a silencing charm around his bed. "Well at least now he looks the part."


End file.
